When I was a child, I felt invisible. Everyone seemed to talk over me as if I had said nothing. For many years I thought that others found what I had to say as not worth acknowledging. When I was a pre-teen, someone commented on what a soft sweet voice I had and that is when I realized it was not what I was saying but how. So I worked at being heard and speaking up. This presented a whole new problem; I didn’t like my own voice. It grated on me. My mother was always whacking me in the back of the head and telling me to stop talking through my nose. Well, okay, but how in the world do you do that?
I had been in the theatre department since about 1992-2010 (with a hiatus of about 10 years). During finals of my first semester I suffered from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and became unable to speak. When I tried I stuttered so badly that I would run out of breath before I could get out two words. But I didn’t want to stop going to school, I loved it so. But I was unable to drive, and would become lost if I walked out my own front door; so I was walked to classes’ everyday then taken home to work alone. Then I took Voice and Diction, with Dr. Hillman. It was a difficult task, but I was determined to be able to tell my children that I loved them. It took an entire semester before I could speak well, and a year before I had fluent speech. I resumed theatre classes (as well as many others) and registered for a few acting type classes, but mainly stayed behind the scenes (long story). I had several teachers who would tell me that I was good, and I believed them. However it only takes one brick to break a window. One professor told me that I would never make it as an actor because of my voice. I respected this person and thought, “She must be right”. I became very self-conscious, went back to the behind the scenes classes and shortly thereafter withdrew from school completely. Of course now, after many years of self-reflection, I think, “what a shame it was that I handed over that much power to someone else”. Obviously if I was going to put that much stock in one person’s opinion when I had many others to the contrary, my childhood story was still holding on to me.
P.S. I Did finally get the courage to audition for a play at MTSU and I was cast. The director told me that they cast me because of my great voice quality. Who Knew?
I joined the church teen-choir. We traveled the east coast during the summer months performing at other churches and a few community centers. It was fun off stage, but when we got in front of an audience I wouldn’t sing out, often I would just mouth the words because I didn’t want anyone to hear me above the others.
Standing in front of the bathroom mirror late at night, I talked out loud to myself. To make it interesting, I would make my monologues into television commercials, trying on different vocal personas hoping to find the one that fit me. I would try them on for size with my family and friends. They would laugh at me and say how funny I was. At first I didn’t like the laughter, but then it was sort of kool. (I know kool is spelled with a “c” but I think “k” is way under rated and swap it out when ever I can.) Laughter was way better than criticism. Somewhere along the line I forgot to try, and just started being comfortable with me. I was able to laugh at my self too.I had been in the theatre department since about 1992-2010 (with a hiatus of about 10 years). During finals of my first semester I suffered from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and became unable to speak. When I tried I stuttered so badly that I would run out of breath before I could get out two words. But I didn’t want to stop going to school, I loved it so. But I was unable to drive, and would become lost if I walked out my own front door; so I was walked to classes’ everyday then taken home to work alone. Then I took Voice and Diction, with Dr. Hillman. It was a difficult task, but I was determined to be able to tell my children that I loved them. It took an entire semester before I could speak well, and a year before I had fluent speech. I resumed theatre classes (as well as many others) and registered for a few acting type classes, but mainly stayed behind the scenes (long story). I had several teachers who would tell me that I was good, and I believed them. However it only takes one brick to break a window. One professor told me that I would never make it as an actor because of my voice. I respected this person and thought, “She must be right”. I became very self-conscious, went back to the behind the scenes classes and shortly thereafter withdrew from school completely. Of course now, after many years of self-reflection, I think, “what a shame it was that I handed over that much power to someone else”. Obviously if I was going to put that much stock in one person’s opinion when I had many others to the contrary, my childhood story was still holding on to me.
I have learned a lot about myself since leaving school. My best teachers were the children I worked with in my home as a special needs childcare provider. Many of them had verbal difficulties for various reasons, but through research on my part and determination on their parts, most all of them now have a voice, some verbal and some signing.
I still tell people all the time that I “can’t carry a tune in bucket”. However, I have recently started voice lessons, and was told that I have a very large range and that I am on pitch. So I guess I should just get over myself, and let the “old story” go. P.S. I Did finally get the courage to audition for a play at MTSU and I was cast. The director told me that they cast me because of my great voice quality. Who Knew?
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